ZOMBIE AND VAMPIRE: BIPOLAR-AFFECTIVE DISORDER
Recent observations have convinced me of the existence of a certain analogous connection between two horror movie figures – a zombie and a vampire, on the one hand, and on the other, two opposite poles of the psyche, especially displayed in bipolar-affective disorder (manic-depressive psychosis). As a person who writes and as a person who has been diagnosed with a schizophrenic spectrum disorder by the professional medical community, I can, from the inside, phenomenologically describe what it is like to be a zombie during the depressive phase, and be a vampire during the hypomania phase. And the mobile norm – being human – is located between these two states.
ZOMBIE: DEPRESSIVE PHASE
I’m dead. I’m slowed down. I have no brain. Everything is gray. But I cannot distinguish shades of gray. Yearning. I am a beast. No, more precisely, I am lifeless. The world is somewhere on the other side of the horizon. It was, this world, but I will never manage get to it. It is probably the hell. I do not know what to put myself in. Everything is so flat. The viral part was taken from me and from the world. We are exsanguinated. I am not capable of anything. I can only eat and sleep. I don’t even want to go to the toilet. I’m a piece of meat. Stillborn piece of meat. A piece of meat from which worms crawl out. A chunk of shit. I myself am a worm. Fress, fress, fress. Eat and shit, shit and sleep. Speed is what I miss. Slowly, slowly turn into shit. I can’t completely die. This is a terrible punishment. I am locked inside myself. My shouts cannot reach the world. But even if this happens, they will not hear me, and if they do, they will not be able to help. I will not be resurrected. And if I rise, then in hell. But I’m in hell anyway. Hell is the absence of meaning, when anguish does not mean something more and leads to nothing.
This state will last forever. I’m falling, but can’t land. I have a dead head, dead eyes, a dead mouth, hands, feet, heart, and dick. They will never be resurrected. All around – one solid grave. I live in this grave. I am dying in this grave. But this grave has no “inside”. Each step is a huge effort. The words left me. I can only moo. Colors left me. I see only gray. I hear sounds, but they mean nothing. I myself mean nothing. Parts of my body are falling off. Even I myself fell off of myself. I have one solid gut. I do not have internal organs. I’m ugly. When I see myself in the mirror, even a hand does not rise to break my face. I should have be killed when the transformation began. If I rush out of the window, I am afraid that I will not die, instead, I will get up and continue to stumble stupidly again. Not me, but my rotten body will get up. I, too, have rotted. I do not feel myself or my body. I am ugly and disgusted, everyone shuns me. The world avoids me. I am so weak-willed that I cannot become part of the world. I vaguely remember that once I could control myself. And now I’m without a master, stupidly wandering and rotting. Rotting, falling apart, hovering.
My hovering has no goal, because there is no any “ahead.” I can even gobble up stray dogs, because nothing makes any difference to me. I can allow the same dogs to gobble up my body, because it has not my ego. I do not feel even pain. I can’t ask myself the question – have I experienced pain in the past? I don’t remember if I had a past. I have never been a man. Blow me up, let me die. I want a break from the meaninglessness of myself and the world around. To feel nothing. Not to feel that I do not feel anything. Final and irrevocable death. My face is flowing down. I cannot raise hands, change position of my legs. These are not my hands, not my legs, not my face. Thoughts left me. I repeat the same thing. Instead of the brain there is a chunk of shit in my head, from which worms crawl. Worms stir in my head and I repeat the same thing.
VAMPIRE: HYPOMANIACAL PHASE
I am immortal, young, beautiful and charming. Hey baby, do you want some candy? Haha … I’m so cool. Yeah! I rule the world because I am the center of it. How many meanings are around! Things and people mean something else, refer only to me. I can get to the bottom of any subject, phenomenon, and person. See how awesome I am … Thoughts skip in my head at the speed of light. I can do anything. I can go to any conversation and become winner. I don’t even need to put in any effort, I’m already a winner. Everything revolves around me. I’m a genius. I’m witty, telling only cool jokes and stuff. I can seduce even a stone. I can write a novel and it will become a bestseller, if, of course, a stupid reader will be able to understand my innate genius. I do not need a dream, food, protection from the cold. I am inhumanly strong and charming.
People themselves are drawn to me and I exhaust them with my speech. Having exhausted one with my words, I go over to another. The world exists only for me alone. I am your lord! I can do whatever I want with you. So be it, go on, myself is enough for me. I can dance and laugh alone. In my every move and word myriad worlds are ripen. Hey, little people, you don’t understand me. Haha … I can take any chord on the guitar and it will be the music of the spheres. I am inexhaustible. I do not need to read books, because I know their contents in advance. When I walk through the streets, everyone looks at me and admire. Only my appearance tells them how cool and extraordinary I am. I easily look in people`s eyes. I do not turn back. I am gushing ideas and each of them is worth a million, no, each of them is priceless. Yeah! I know English without even studying it. I can walk around the world. I am immortal and never die. I can have sex until the morning. I remember to the smallest detail everything that ever happened to me.
It is I who make the world better, richer in meanings and shades. It all depends on how I look at things. You are not able to understand what I understand. I am cool. Rejoice that I pay attention to you. You can be silent, I already know what you wil say. I read your thoughts, I see through you. My sight is stern and kind, it can melt even a stone. I make all sorts of desires and they are fulfilled. I do not need to think, remember and rely on experience: things and people unconsciously tell me how to act and what to say. I don’t need to write poems, I speak poems. And each line is the abyss of meaning. Even if I reiterate, it means something else. Everyone compliments, salutes and worships me. After all, I am the most intelligent and unique. You`ll never find someone like me. Rejoice that I walk among you, look at you. I alone am worthy of praise. I invent new words without a peep. No one feels music as deeply as I do. I myself am a music. Listen to me and get high. Haha … Yeah, baby, fuck !!!